Author’s Note: I wrote this quite a while ago when I was reading Columbine by Dave Cullen. I was very passionate about this entire book, but the Klebold family really took a hold of me. I am not sure exactly why I didn’t publish it at the time. Things got haywire toward the end of the summer I suppose. The way I had named the file made it look to me like it was the beginnings of a review. So, when I went to write my review last week, this is what I found. I thought it was more appropriate for a “Thoughts on My Reading” post than as part of my review, which I will be posting later this week. Other than grammatical edits, I didn’t change what I said in keeping with the spirit in which I wrote it. Rereading this brought it all back to me, so other than the passing of time, my thoughts have not changed.
I am currently listening to Dave Cullen’s Columbine. I actually had intended to start The Passage when I finished Voyager, but my request for Columbine came in at the library. Since I didn’t feel like ripping the 11 CDs and I had a deadline, I started Columbine. I just started the fifth CD and it is riveting. Although I know the ultimate outcome in terms of lives lost, I am glued to my car because of what I didn’t know and how it all came together.
What has struck me the most since I started listening has been the story of Dylan Klebold’s family. The mother of Brooks Brown, Dylan’s childhood friend, recalled one day during Dylan’s childhood when he freaked out when his friends laughed at him when he fell down during an outing. Ultimately Dylan’s mother needed to separate him to get him to calm down. My heart broke for her. One of my daughters is prone to tantrums, especially when she is tired. I cannot remember how may times my husband and I have had to isolate her to get her to calm down. I continuously wonder if I handle those times properly. How many times has Dylan’s mother thought of those types of events? Are those events the ones that come to mind when thinks about what happened? Dylan committed an unspeakable crime, but that doesn’t change the fact that his family lost a son and a brother, too. I listened to a description of the secretive funeral and cremation that followed. I’ve been thinking about how horrible that must have been for them – to know how their son/brother terrorized an entire community and that this does not change the fact that they love and miss him terribly.
How do families in those situations balance the shame and the grief? How do we as a society view them? Are they victims in their own right or are they to be shunned by association? To what extent are they to blame? To what extent should we look to them for blame? Does it depend upon the family and their reaction? I don’t know if there will ever be any cut and dry answers to those questions. In fact, it’s easy for me to even ask them at all because I have not lost a family member so violently. If I were in another place in my own life, I might not have give the Klebold family much for thought. I know I certainly didn’t think about them at the time. I have children now, though. I know how much you invest in them, how much you give of yourself to make a good, safe life for them. Sometimes that’s just not enough. Those who never have cause to be blamed or held accountable for their children’s actions are the lucky ones.
I’ve heard Columbine is an outstanding book but I just didn’t think I could tackle it after what happened at Tech. I asked myself the same questions after the shootings at Tech. I personally don’t blame the family of the criminals, but I imaging they do. I cannot imagine the kind of hell they are living in. I’ll be looking forward to your review.
Interesting perspective. It’s sad that the shooters’ families are ostracized for the choices their children made. Have you read We Need to Talk About Kevin? It’s supposed to be quite powerful and addresses this very issue.
I find myself thinking about the families, especially the parents, in these cases. I had hear Columbine was an excellent book and think I’d like to read it.
When something like Columbine or Virginia Tech happen people want to blame the parents or family of the assailants for not seeing something beforehand. I think it’s a way of saying to themselves “it couldn’t happen to us”. It would be valuable to see things from all sides. I look forward to your full review.
I read this book this summer and it blew my mind, disturbed me, and caused me to yak my head off about it to my husband (while on vacation…sort of a buzz kill). I love to try to understand the psychology of it all, and maybe, secretly, try to ensure that my kids won’t grow up to be cold-blooded killers. Or prevent me from meeting one. Looking forward to the review, which I found very hard to write at the end of the day.
Very nicely said. I really felt for the Klebolds, too.
Have you read Sue Klebold’s ess in O? It’s gut-wrenching, but so well said:
http://www.oprah.com/world/Susan-Klebolds-O-Magazine-Essay-I-Will-Never-Know-Why
Kathy, I can understand if the subject matter is too much. The best way to gauge may be to watch my Columbine intro video. It will give you a good sense of what you’re in for. Or there are excerpts at O Magazine and Slate that you could read online.
Thanks for the good thoughts from other readers.
who can ever really know what went on within these families and what part the family, if any, played.
but regardless, what they will have to live with forever is impossible to imagine.
I actually dowloaded Columbine from Audible back when it was first released and haven’t yet gotten to it. By the sounds of it I’ve got to get back to it!
We really do a horrible disservice to the families of criminals, always assuming that what happened is, in some way, their fault. Even if that is true, it doesn’t make their grief any less real. Great post.
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